Fate works mysteriously. The things you fantasize or perhaps envision as ideal were more than likely a possibility at one point in time. Otherwise they wouldn’t haunt your thoughts at all. The process of denying desires and ignoring signs is subtle enough to subversively sabotage what you will eventually believe you want.

Convoluted as that sounds, once it happens to you, you will know. A friend said today “Never hold back,” in reference to something completely unrelated, but I think I’d be happier adopting that cliche as a life motto.

Gotta stop missing out.

–Chris

“Yeah, I saw a bank robbery once. There was a masked man with a gun who burst into the place with the most menacing face you ever did seen. I can’t even imagine how menacing it would be if the mask was off. He told us to get on our knees, give up our personables, and pray. Well, I had bad knees so I decided to sit instead. I also didn’t have any personables as he called them, just my paycheck and a deposit slip. And I thought praying seemed a bit foolish, since if I was going to talk it would likely be to someone who could respond in a timely fashion. Miracles have lots of preparing for, you know. Needless to say, I was the least favorite hostage. Nonfunctional, poor, and a heathen.”

I am broke as a joke that couldn’t afford a punch line. The banks are friendly enough. The money used to be there. Then again, I used to have a job. This will be remedied soon and if anything, a new job will only add to the growing repertoire of stories that I have. Here is to looking towards the future, and living well beyond my means.

Cheers.

–Chris

The crypt was fetid with wet air and dust. Light pierced through the particles and cobwebs, focusing on an elevated pillar in the center of the tomb. The impression of a forgotten relic from an ancient world remained where its occupant had long since abandoned. Without thought or precaution the lever to the activator was thrown, launching darts from concealed recesses propelled by fierce jets of air. The threat was real and the poison was lethal.

Have you ever had a migraine? I had always thought they were bullshit. Commercials for Imitrex, the constant womping from people who had them, etc. It would seem, however, justice is wrought in the forge of ignorance. After subscribing to a new medication, I am more prone to migraines than headaches. After only three, I am already able to verify, empathize, and console others who suffer migraines. The commercials are a bit extreme; I have never wanted to kill myself or anything, but bright lights and striking sounds are strictly out of the question.

No pain, no gain they say. Clearly, I am gaining telekinetic powers.

–Chris

Playing into the hands of others strictures your own freedoms and choices. Limiting your free will is counter-productive to enjoying life. Losing the enjoyment in life is akin to not living. So don’t.

Doing what you want, how you want to, with whom you want, is like trying to boil the ocean. Theoretically possible, but overall never going to happen without an act of God.

Whatevs.

Living the life,

–Chris

It’s pretty unusual for me to feel jealousy very strongly. I typically find the things in my life to be incredibly satisfactory and I consider myself lucky to possess such assets. Occasionally though, I will hear just the wrong things on just the right days and I will cringe at the thought of my own path in life compared to their’s. It’s unfortunate that such trivial things affect me in such a drastic manner, but it is still something that has to be dealt with.

I have made all the decisions that affect the lifestyle I lead personally . My room is in tatters because I have left it that way. I go to a sub-par college because I chose not to test my ambition. I study now because I choose to attempt to rise above my current living standards. The frustration draws from seeing someone else already living the standards toward which I am striving. Austin. Done it. Comms program. In it. Enjoying life and meeting people. The car already has gas and is warming up in the parking lot.

It’s foolish for me to think such things are unattainable, and it is also foolish to think I deserve them NOW when I haven’t worked nearly as hard as the person enjoying those activities. I long to prove myself to myself, and until I feel that I have; I will always succumb to the jealousy I have for other people’s lives.

The feeling is always temporary, lasting from an hour to a night, and it typically remedied by asking someone else for their help. I asked for it tonight; I will more than likely do so again. But I know that I will only really have reason to be jealous when I have no one left to ask for help, because wealth in life is drawn from the people around you.

Keep them. Keep sane.

Until next.

–Chris

..I’ll be waiting in line. There will be no announcement for those lagging behind. Time will pass, and those still waiting will be well kept in the lapses of memory. They will be missed but not mourned, much like someone you haven’t seen in ages but make no effort to visit. Surely by the time I get to the front of the line, I will be able to find my way to the beginning again.

It’s hard to decide what really deserves priority in the long list of things one does in a day. A friend suggested to me to put things in perspective or to take a look at “the larger picture”. To be sure, I was assisted in seeing the plight of others and how my own quarrels pale by comparison. Unfortunately, the larger picture has now become part of my lists. The grand scheme always gets top spot, but since it does, the rest of the list is in complete disarray.

Something will happen soon. I’m not sure what, but consider this your foreshadowing. It might be a small event; it might be a large event. But an event it will be. It will again change my perception of things, though whether it aides my focus on daily objectives is a toss-up. One can hope.

Again, I find myself writing here when my words are better put to use in my academic work. Ha! Academic work. I just made homework sound a bit more important. Look how proud I am.

I ramble to kill time.

A small list:

• Photography has changed my life
• I would love to write for a living
• Graffiti is art
• Change is bad in the best way.

This is the end.

–Chris

…things were brewing. Calls were coming in from across the company begging for results. As of yet, the creation was raw and volatile. Stability had yet to be confirmed. The restraints certainly weren’t ready to be removed, and complete independence was far beyond the distant horizon. The only thing to do was to remove the inputs, dispose of the corpse, and try again. Would there be enough time?

I’ve got a bit of a burden on me lately. I could make a checklist, but those are never as fun or as inventive. It seems that college apparently has a bit of a reputation for having the students do work. I can’t say I’m too surprised, however I was caught off guard. Recovery efforts are in progress.

Never the less, I’m struggling through through the vast amounts of books and will emerge victorious as always.I am impenetrable with my armor of youth. I conquer the future with spears cast in endless potential. I stake my flag in the crags of minimal experience and brilliant exuberance.

I will win.

– Chris

Ruining your life? It sure as shit must be better than improving it. You appear to be having such a grand time spiraling downward! Can I get in on the action? What’s the cost? Oh. I have to pay by losing the best thing I have going? I’m not even sure what that is. Skills? Relationships? I can pay with both? WELL, WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO!

I see or hear about people everyday who are consistently sabotaging themselves. I’d imagine I’m wading in some pretty deep hypocrisy, but sometimes it gets to me. I just can’t let people walk by, certainly none that I care about, and waste away under the burden of their own subterfuge! Get free! Why bother with things slowing you down? If it gets better, great! You’ve improved something below average to par. Too bad all that time is gone.

Relax. It’s only life.

–Chris

When you are part of the furniture, there is a drastic abundance of space in the room. There is no need for all the carpet paths. All the ceiling height. No, when you are being slowly absorbed by your own office chair, a closet seems much less functional. All you really care for is the adequate amount of blue-waved light gleaning over your fabric-ed face.

I’ve been assaulting my keyboard for the past week producing sheet after sheet of essays in which I type things I have absolutely no belief in. Ethics for example. Typing what is asked of you is fine and all, but typing what they want to hear is nigh unacceptable.

At any rate, with luck I’ll have produced 10 more pages by Thursday, 5 of which will be sent to the University of Texas at Austin to be stamped Approve or Deny.

I’m off topic. I’m on time. I’m quick to be slow.

–Chris

..For more hours in the day today.

Procrastination is my bane. It’s just so damn easy. Why write essays due, when I can explore the lyricism of the Marshal Mathers LP? I didn’t listen to music until I was like 16, so I have lots of catching up to do. This has led to me being constantly being disappointed when I find that the “new” band I like has been broken up for ten plus years. Failure on my part.

Tick tock, Chris. I’ve got upwards of 17 pages to write within the next two days and here I am posting on the infinite bulletin board that is the Internet. And for who to look at? Easy answer. Myself. I am typing to myself. Wow. And somehow I feel better about that than succumbing to the paper on Ethics due Thursday.

Fuck free will. It’s killing me.

(I’ll put a picture later.) <–Pun

–Chris.